10 Sad truths About Superheroes

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Hello interweb, Nate here.  So there are a lot of things comics are asking us to believe in order to enjoy them.  Like how a simple genetic accident can allow someone to shoot lasers out of their heads, or that the a person running at hyper sonic speed won’t snap a guys neck if they grabbed him at that speed.  So for those of you thinking on becoming a masked, superpowered vigilantes, you might want to read this list.

To see other Top 10s (or 5s) click here.

Rulez

  • Since this technically isn’t a top 10 list, this is in no specific order
  • By “sad truths” I mean how the logic in comic books does not match up with the logic in the real world
  • I’m going for less obvious than saying things like “people can’t fly”.

 

 

#10 – X-Men should be relatively normal, or disfigured

 

Why!?!?  Why does my favorite superhero teams ever have to be so normal in real life?  Well it’s true, a mutation is basically a spelling mistake in our genes.  If you see someone with different colored eyes or an extra toe, they have a mutation and technically a mutant.  The most drastic thing this would do is something that would end their life rather quickly.  So you won’t be seeing anyone shooting lasers out of their eyes anytime soon.

 

#9 – Half of all superheroes should have cancer

 

Knowing people personally who has battled with cancer before, I know it’s definitely not fun to have.  But you know what causes cancer?  Radiation.  You know what causes 50% of all superpowers?  Radiation.  Fantastic Four, Hulk, Spider-man, Static, Parasite, I can honestly go on and on.  If there’s one thing we can say from this, it’s that Stan Lee won’t be getting a PhD in science any time soon.

 

#8 – Secret identities would be impossible

 

Ok, let’s start with the fact that an eye mask like what Robin wears will not hide your identity at all.  But besides that, won’t people notice the fact that Clark Kent and Superman is never in the same place at the same time?  Or the fact that he’s with a super observant reporter (Loise Lane) all the time yet she never could tell that the only difference between Clark and Supes is that Clark wears glasses?  In real life, people aren’t going to be idiots just to keep the hero’s identity a secret.  And superheroes are going to bleed, so test the DNA and, bam!  You learn that Bruce Wayne is Batman.  Face it, through DNA tests, everyday technology, and loved ones that knows you well, and no superhero can keep their identity a secret.

 

#7 – Batman would not exist

 

Everyone and their grandmas knows Batman’s history: Bruce Wayne’s parents die when he was young from a gunshot before his eyes, he grows up and uses his inherited billion dollars to buy a bunch of expensive gadgets and learns martial arts and detective skills, and he becomes Batman.  Sorry, but if he thinks he can become an effective vigilante, I think that money would be of better use for a therapist.  And it would take years to master every form of martial arts and detective abilities.  And if he could manage to master all of this and buy all his toys, then he would be to damaged to be Batman at a maximum of like 2 years.

 

#6 –  Economic disaster

 

OK, so we see superheroes being tossed through buildings all the time and causing complete buildings to collapse.  In the Avengers movie, guess how much damage they would have had in real life.  It’s ok, I’ll wait… … …$160 billion dollars (read more about it here).  And considering that a battle like that happens basically every Tuesday in comic books, I bet not even Bruce Wayne can pay for all that.  We would constantly be in an economic crisis.  Don’t get me wrong, I rather the Avengers show up and stop an alien race and cause economic carnage then have the whole planet be enslaved, but I much rather superheroes and supervillains not exist at all even more (I have disgraced every geek out there with that one statement).

 

#5 – Flash would be dead and/or disfigured

 

What is Flash’s origin story?  Berry Allan was a police who one day got doused with chemicals after the containers got hit with electricity.  Do you know what type of chemicals forensic scientists had at the time?    Well, I didn’t, so I had to do a bit of research and it’s mostly acids, alkalies, and bases.  Not something you want to be poured over you.  And as a bonus, it was struck by lightning so it’s on fire now! The Flash is lucky he can walk at all.

 

#4 – Captain America would be addicted to steroids

 

We all know Captain America’s story (and if you don’t, here‘s a bio on him I did a while back) but the closest you could really get to strength enhancements were steroids.  And so Captain America would be a little…different, in real life.

 

#3 – Joker would be dead by now

 

How many people have the Joker maimed or killed?  Yeah, too many to count on my fingers, toes, my brother’s fingers, toes, and you get the point.  Now I understand Batman won’t do anything about it because of his moral code, but what about the police?  Shouldn’t he have gotten the death penalty a long time ago?  Or at least get shot by a police gun.  Either way, how did this murderous, homicidal, psychopathic sociopath managed to stay alive for this long?

 

#2 – Super powers would be of more use in other areas

 

Why is it that the second superheroes gain their powers, they decide their going to fight crime?  Couldn’t they use their powers for more efficient things that doesn’t risk getting shot at or jail time? Storm’s powers could help with farming, Static could help with generating electricity, and any telepath would be good in a police interrogation.  Just keeping it real.

 

#1 – Most superheroes are criminals

 

Where do I begin, first vigilantism is illegal, then child endangerment (sidekicks) would be an issue, oh and how about reckless endangerment (using superpowers in a way that unintentionally injured bystanders–it’s implausible that most superheroes would be close to 100% accurate with superpowers, particularly if they’ve only recently developed them), honestly if you want to see all crimes superheroes comic on a daily basis check out the website here.

 

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3 comments

  1. First of all, Superman’s hidden identity is based on Hypnosis. (It’s stupid, but it’s a thing.) Secondly, that Superman and Clark Kent aren’t in the same room at the same time? How many people in New York are there? How many of them have never seen Superman up close?

    1. I don’t know if that hypnosis thing is still relevant in modern comics. If neither of them is in the same than wouldn’t people get suspicion? The daily planet? A lot of them but enough of them probably have seen Superman up close.

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